What Else Is There To Do?
by sayrae3times
Summary: What else is there to do on the road except...talk? PART 4 - No battle of wits this time – just an enebriated/hungover Sam...and Winnie the Pooh. No plot, just pure crack. Enter at your own risk!
1. Scooby Doo vs XFiles

_A/N: Okay - Disclaimer #1 - I don't own Sam, Dean, Mulder, Scully, or Scooby Doo. Disclaimer #2 - I plead insanity. Seriously, I have no idea where this came from and no, I'm not on any drugs. For the record, I am a fan of both Scooby and X-Files._

**

* * *

What Else Is There To Do?**

_Summary: What else is there to do on the road except...talk? Dean vs Sam battle of wits: Scooby or X-Files?_

* * *

"What do you think, man? Scooby Doo or Mulder and Scully?"

Sam wiped a weary hand over his face. "Dean…Dallas to Portland is long enough without…"

"Come on," his brother implored. "Who do'ya think could bag a monster first?"

Sam dropped his head and snickered. Dean was in a good mood. So good, in fact, Sam wasn't willing to put a damper on his spirit by avoiding the inevitable debate. His brother hardly ever smiled these days; Sam could play along. Indulging his brother with a battle of wits would pass time. "Fine," he gave in. This was either going to be really short, or really interesting. "Mulder and Scully, hands down."

"What?"

"Dude, Scooby's a cartoon."

"So? Haven't you ever seen an episode? They're like freaking kid-Ghostbusters, without the proton packs! They chase monsters and stuff all the time!"

"Not real monsters," Sam pointed out. "They chase around deadbeats in costumes. If some real evil came barreling out of the bushes at them they'd be totally screwed."

Dean snorted.

"I'm serious." Sam shifted slightly in his seat so he could face his brother and counted off the reasons with his fingers. "Shaggy would jump into Scooby's arms and run away in terror… Daphne would scream and fall into some trap door and get herself captured… Fred would get decapitated before he had the chance to tell everybody to split up… and Velma would try to explain what was really going on right up until getting herself eaten, dismembered, mutilated, or possessed - after she loses her glasses." He dropped his hands, finishing his tirade with a smug, "Mulder and Scully deal with the real stuff all the time."

Dean tapped the steering wheel impatiently. Sam had a point, well several actually, but that didn't matter. "That's stupid! It takes Scooby and the gang 15 minutes to discover a mystery and capture the bad guy, real or not. It takes Mulder and Scully – what – an entire hour?"

"Yeah, but before Scooby gets his first Scooby snack, Mulder's already searched the premises, done a background check, autopsied the murder victim with Scully, and had a secret meeting with Cancer man. There's no competition."

"I gotta disagree, Sammy. Mulder and Scully have too much sexual tension to get the job done."

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Sexual tension?"

"Yeah. Dude, while the two of them are busy trying to hide the fact that they wanna jump each other's bones, Scooby's accidentally captured the bad guys by tripping over a wire that pulls down a lamp that knocks them into a closet. End of story."

"Sexual tension, huh? What about Fred and Daphne?"

"What about them?"

"Come on, man. They were obviously at it like jackrabbits. Every episode has Fred suggesting they split up and then he and Daphne go off together to 'explore'. You know what they were doing."

"Pure speculation."

"Oh, so it was just speculation that the entire gang was on drugs?"

"They weren't on drugs. You're just mad because you know I'm right."

"Bite me. They talk to a freaking dog, for crying out loud! What do you think Scooby snacks are? Shaggy and Scooby always have the munchies, they're paranoid, they see things..."

"Whatever. They did fight real monsters, you know. Like those big purple creatures in the first movie. Those were real and they got them."

"Mulder and Scully are FBI agents. They've got weapons. They're smart, intelligent…"

"Intelligent? Fred was the original McGuyver! You saw all those traps he built to catch the monsters. Give the guy a hairpin, a fish net and a bar of soap and wah-la, instant monster-catcher! What do Mulder and Scully ever do? Chase the bad guy into an abandoned warehouse and then wake up with tracking devices surgically implanted in their brains. Besides, Fred dresses better than Mulder."

Dean's face was so serious that Sam actually laughed out loud. Who knew what freaky things lurked in the dark recesses of his brother's brain? This was getting amusing.

"What?" Dean asked, still serious.

"Nothing, nothing," Sam answered, still snickering. Then… "Dresses better?"

"Hell yeah. Fred's gotta be a badass. What man can wear a scarf and not get his ass kicked? You know he was puttin' the smack down, demanding respect. Mulder's just a geek in a suit."

"First - it's an ascot, not a scarf. Second - you wanna talk about badass? If Mulder and Scully were ever in trouble, they could have a SWAT at their backs in 10 minutes. Who's Scooby gonna call when they get into trouble? Don Knots?"

"Batman."

_Score!_ Dean watched Sam open his mouth, then shut it again.

"…I walked into that one, didn't I?"

Dean reached over and patted his brother sympathetically on the knee. "Don't sweat it, Sammy," he said dramatically. "Even if I hadn't already won this conversation, there's still one really important thing left you've missed."

"And what might that be?"

"What kind of car do Mulder and Scully drive?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"See, you don't know. Why? Because they drive a worthless, boring, normal car. Nobody remembers what Mulder and Scully drive. What do Scooby and the gang drive?"

"The Mystery Machine."

"That's right! The freaking Mystery Machine! Whoever has the cooler car wins!" Dean was beaming from his victory as he leaned over and stroked the dashboard affectionately. "Isn't that right baby?"

Sam shook his head, grinning. _Dean 1; Sam 0._


	2. Batman vs Superman

_A/N: Nope, I checked and I still don't own Sam, Dean, Batman, Superman, or any other character mentioned. Dang it. This one's entirely dialogue – something new for me, so sit back, envision Dean and Sam's brotherly scuffling, and enjoy! Oh, and points to the person who finds my "Easter egg."_

**

* * *

What Else Is There To Do? Part II**

_Summary: What else is there to do on the road except...talk? Dean vs Sam battle of wits: Batman or Superman?_

_

* * *

Black Rock was two days behind them, so it surprised Dean when Sam spoke out of nowhere…_

"You're Batman?"

"Huh?"

"You're Batman?"

"Batman? _Oh._ You still on that? Come on, Sam. I was caught up in the moment."

"But Batman?"

"Hell yeah. Did you see me throw that pen? I don't care if it was luck, those guys didn't stand a chance!"

"But I don't get it. I mean, why Batman? Why not… I don't know… Superman?"

"Are you kidding? Batman was badass. Superman's just a pussy in a cape."

"Dude, he's got super strength. And super speed _and_ heat vision."

"Details. Batman'd kick Superman's ass any day of the week."

"How do you figure? Batman has no powers. He's just a… rich, smart guy."

"That's why. Batman's got freaking intelligence. It's the ultimate superpower."

"Since when are you all about brain over brawn? Superman's _invincible_. There's no competition, man."

"Are you challenging me?"

"Maybe."

"Okay. Superman verses Batman in a fight. Who'd win?"

"Superman. Obviously."

"How do you figure?"

"There's just no getting away from the Man of Steel. He's got the whole package – flight, super breath, heat vision…"

"Batman doesn't need all that stuff. He knows every fighting style known to man. He's the master of stealth."

"Stealth wouldn't mean jack to Superman. All Superman'd have to do is fly to Gotham City, ex-ray everything until he finds the Batcave, then just use his heat vision to smoke him from miles away or drop a freaking mountain or skyscraper on him or something."

"Superman's not gonna pick up a skyscraper or mountain just to throw at one guy."

"Fine. Any projectile weighing several tons."

"….Did you rehearse this?"

"No…"

"Moving on. Superman doesn't kill."

"He has a respect for life."

"No, he's freaking naive. You ought to know better than anyone that some enemies…"

"I'm just saying Superman's got morals."

"Sometimes morals can be weaknesses."

"Batman's just a man. He's got weaknesses."

"Yeah, but Superman's got more."

"You sound like a two-year old."

"Well he _does_!"

"Like what?"

"Like Kryptonite."

"Come on! The Kryptonite argument is so weak. Even if Batman showed up with Kryptonite, it'd be like the fifteen-zillionth time Superman's ever had to face a so-called 'unbeatable' opponent with Kryptonite in his back pocket. And Superman's faced like fifteen-zillion of them. Ask them how _that_ turned out."

"I ain't only talkin' about Kryptonite. What about the sun? Take away the sun and Superman's just an ordinary guy."

"You can't take away the sun."

"Batman could! He'd build some kind of freak laser or smoke machine or something to block out the sun…"

"…He couldn't do that…"

"…Oh yes he could! He accounts for _every_ possible scenario. He always finds a way to disable or shutdown his enemy, and that includes building his own weapons. And it helps that he's got all the money in the world and unlimited resources. Kinda like us…only minus the money."

"…And the resources..."

"And then there's Lois Lane."

"What about her?"

"She's Superman's ultimate weakness! Batman may be a lonely SOB, but at least he doesn't have loved ones that his enemies can use against him. Tell me, how many times has Lois been kidnapped or tossed out a window?"

"I contest that."

"Oooohh. Sammy pullin' out the big guns. Usin' the big lawyer words."

"Shut up. At least Superman's got a life outside fighting crime. Dr. Phil would have a hay-day with Batman."

"You're point?"

"My point is Batman's a _grown_ man who _pretends_ to be a giant bat!"

"A terrifying, giant bat…"

"…who fights for vengeance, not for the benefit of mankind. His motives are so skewed it isn't even funny. Whereas Superman fights because he believes his gifts ought to be used for good."

"You don't think Batman uses his gifts for good?"

"No. Good would be using all that money and intelligence to end world hunger or something."

"Come on. No one likes Superman. His costume's totally gay!"

"He's an alien. Give him a break. Besides, Batman didn't dress Robin in spandex for better flexibility, if you know what I mean."

"…."

"See?"

"Dude, that's just _wrong_."

"You give?"

"Hell no."

"What other argument is there?"

"Batman's alter ego is better than Superman's."

"Batman's alter ego? Dean, Batman _was _the alter ego. That's what makes Superman so different from Batman. Superman was born Superman – Clark Kent is the mask, whereas Bruce Wayne..."

"Bruce Wayne is a ridiculously good-looking and filthy, stinking-rich bachelor who can have any woman he wants. Clark Kent is a nerdy newspaper boy who knocks things over and doesn't even have the stones to ask out the girl of his dreams. Long story short, Batman would kick ass and bang Lois Lane, all in one night."

"You're unbelievable."

"And what's with all the L's in Superman, anyway? Lex Luther, Linda Lee, Lois Lane, Lana Lang… Mmmm, Lana. I'd totally go for Lana."

"Are you finished?"

"No. And then there's their bad-guy equals. Superman's arch-nemesis is what? A rich bald guy?"

"Lex Luthor, and I think you're words for it were _filthy, stinking-rich_ bald guy. Not to mention super-genius…"

"…and Batman's arch enemy is a psychotic clown and his merry band of homicidal circus freaks."

"…."

"I knew that one would get ya."

"…Yeah, shut up."

"Hey Sammy?"

"What?"

"Wanna go see Dark Knight?"

_Dean 2; Sam 0._

_

* * *

A/N: Okay, okay, so when I originally had this in mind I wanted Sam to win since Dean won the last round, but the further I got, the more I realized Dean would have to triumph once again. He's just a Batman kinda guy. I did a LOT of research people, so before any Superman fans throw their computers at me, let me say that I'd take Superman over Batman any day. It just came down to Sammy and his clowns._


	3. Ginger vs Mary Ann

_A/N: Let's just get this outta the way – we all know Dean's got a dirty mind. That aside, __**b**__**e warned!**__ This contains major guy-talk. There were several instances I was smacking my head going, "OMG Dean!" He's definitely in a mood here. But come on…what else do guys talk about on road trips? Really?_

_Normal disclaimer goes here: I don't own Sam, Dean or any other character mentioned below. And believe me, we're going old-school with some of them here. I still plead insanity._

**

* * *

What Else Is There To Do?**

_Summary: What else is there to do on the road except...talk? Dean vs. Sam battle of wits: Ginger or Mary Ann? (and many more)_

* * *

They're on the road, driving through northeast Des Moines, when Dean first asks:

"All right, Sam. Ginger or Mary Ann?"

"What?"

Dean hasn't spoken much, not since the accident, not since dad, so the casually flippant tone surprises Sam.

"Who's hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann?"

"Dude, gross."

"How's two smokin' hot chicks stranded on a deserted island gross?"

Sam scoffs. "You mean two now-seventy-something year old chicks stranded in nursing homes."

"Come on man, I'm serious. Which one would you go for?"

"What kind of twisted freak are you? That's like asking me who I wanna shag, Grandma number one or Grandma number two."

"Sam! You're killing me! Where's the debate? Where's that inner-lawyer? Brown vs. Board of Education; Evolution vs. Creation; Mary Ann vs. Ginger – it's one of the important issues of our time!"

"I don't know man. I really try to stay away from lusting after old ladies."

"I think I'd take Mary Ann."

"Seriously?"

"You surprised?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, Ginger seems like she'd be more your type."

"And what is my type?"

"Um, underdressed and overdeveloped."

"I go for more than that…"

"Dean…"

"…mostly."

"_Riiight._ Anyway, Ginger was the glamorous one. In comparison, she's the most like you."

"Ginger was a man-eater. How am I like that?"

"She used her looks and her attitude to get whatever she wanted."

"I don't…"

A pointed look thrown his way and Dean concedes.

"Well, yeah, maybe I do. But hey, whatever works, right?"

Sam lets his head fall back. He's a master in the art of humoring his brother. "Sure, Dean."

"Did you ever see that dress Ginger made out of the Minnow's sailcloth? Mmmm…when that chick walked, the volcano gods watched. But I still say Mary Ann."

Sam shakes his head. He still has a hard time believing it. His brother, lover of all things exotic when it comes to women, wants to go for, "The farm girl?"

"Hell yeah. You _know_ that girl knew how to ride a horse! And talk about growin' the best at home! Mary Ann was the country-raised, corn-fed, all American sweetheart. Everybody wanted a piece of Mary Ann. She was just so…incorruptible."

"You're unbelievable."

* * *

It was a simple haunting; something easy Dean had picked up that wouldn't be too strenuous on Sam's newly broken hand. Sam opens the passenger's side door and slides out, meeting his brother at the rear of the car. Dean already has the Impala's trunk open and is handing him a shovel.

"How about this one… Betty Boop or Jessica Rabbit?"

Sam takes the shovel, screwing up his face. "Dean. Seriously, they're cartoons!"

"So," Dean insists, and grabs the salt can. "That doesn't make 'em any less hot. Why are cartoons so attractive anyway?"

Sam can't help himself. He shifts the shovel to his good hand and drops his head, stifling laughter. "Probably because you're as likely to get into bed with a cartoon as you are Angelina Jolie."

Dean looks thoughtful. "Maybe… Me? I'd take Betty Boop."

"Over Jessica Rabbit?"

"Absolutely."

Matches are stuffed in pockets and flashlights distributed before Dean shuts the Impala's trunk. Sam can't let it go, though. "Dude, Betty Boop's got… like a gi-NORMOUS head. And creepy eyes…"

"…and a body girls'd kill for."

They start walking toward the gate. It's locked, but Dean thinks he can make quick work of it. "You know she was a hooker, right?" Sam asks.

Dean doesn't pause in his concentration. "What?"

"Betty Boop was a hooker. She was the first cartoon chick to wear short, skimpy dresses that showed cleavage and you could always see her garter belt."

Dean looks indignant. "That doesn't make her a hooker."

"She had a boyfriend named _Bimbo_."

"She did?" He gives the gate a shove and it swings open, creaking like a bad horror movie's sound effect. "_That's_ how you do it, Sammy. And Betty Boop wasn't a hooker." He stuffs his lock pick kit back in his pocket. "See, that was the beauty of her, that she was hot, but she was innocent, too. A _rescue-my-kitty-pretty-pretty-please-mister_ and a _devil-with-a-blue-dress_ all rolled up into one nice, curvy package."

He steps into the graveyard, Sam at his heels. "You've thought a lot about this, haven't you?" Sam asks, grinning.

Dean's distracted now, his eyes passing over the surrounding gravestones. "Shut up. Look for Marjorie Anne Lloyd." After a few moments' investigation, Dean straightens. "Betty Boop was Ginger _and_ Mary Ann put together. Jessica Rabbit was the hoe."

"She wasn't that bad," Sam replies. "She was just drawn that way."

* * *

Dean's taken it upon himself to dig up the grave, leaving Sam to stand guard and hold the flashlight. Sam sighs impatiently; standing guard is important, but it's also boring.

Of course, Sam thinks, it could be him sweating and panting down there. He shifts the sawed off distractedly. "Okay, okay, Dean. I've got one for you. Wilma or Betty?"

"Hmmmmm…Wilma," Dean answers, his voice slightly muffled.

"Oh, so now you go for the redhead?"

"Oh, Wilma wasn't just a redhead. She was the classic redhead." Sam can no longer see his brother's face, just the top of his head. It's bobbing in time with the _crack_ of the shovel striking dirt and quickly discarding it outside the large, man-made gap in the ground. "She had that sexual tension goin' on…" _Crack_. "…that unpredictability..." _Crack_. "You never knew…" _Crack_. "…what she was gonna do next…" _ Crack_. "…a quick roll in the bedrock…" _Crack_. "…or a slap to the kisser."

One more _crack_ and Dean strikes something solid. "Got it!" he calls up. "Get the salt ready!"

Sam moves toward the grave, salt in hand, and dodges the shovel as Dean throws it out. He's done all he can with it and is now using his hands to pull the lid to the rotting casket open. The stench is rancid and Dean gasps. "I think I'd take Betty," Sam continues on, trying his best to distract him.

"Yeah," Dean answers, coughing. "Wilma's not your type."

That makes Sam snort. "And what's the supposed to mean?"

Dean crawls out as he explains. "Don't take offense, Sammy. Betty was the more romantic one. More emotional, you know?"

Sam extends his good hand, pulling his brother the rest of the way out. "When did you ever see Betty being emotional or romantic in the cartoons?"

"All the freaking time!" Dean insists. "She was always calling Barney those cute little pet names and always giving out hugs. And I know how you go for the hugs."

Sam wants to push him back into the grave. "Bite me."

Dean takes the salt, sprinkling it over the body. "Plus, she's apparently got a soft spot for the goofballs since she married one. Here," he hands Sam the salt. "See Sammy, there's even a little hope for you."

Sam glares at his brother, but takes the salt. "Seriously man, bite me."

Dean retrieves the lighter fluid and turns back toward the grave. He's just begun to douse the corpse when he hears his little brother urgently whisper, "Dean…"

Dean's head snaps up. "Yeah Sammy?"

"She's here…"

* * *

All in all, it's been a relatively easy job. The spirit only shows up once, and Sam's able to hold her off while Dean finishes fishing the matches out of his pocket and strikes one. Unfortunately, Marjorie felt the need to throw Sam into a tree before going up in flames herself.

As her last angry scream fades, Dean bends over his brother. "Sammy, you with me?"

Sam answers with a pained groan. "Yeah."

No blood, Dean notes with relief. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Sam blinks, focusing. "Two."

"How about now?"

"Screw you."

Dean drops the inappropriate finger and snickers. "Yep, you're fine."

He stands and offers his hand to his brother. "How about Jeannie or Samantha?"

Sam takes the proffered hand, but he looks confused. "Samantha?"

"Bewitched? Oh wait, that's probably before your time."

"You weren't born, either. Dude, all these chicks we've been talking about were 'before our time'."

"So which one?"

Sam is on his feet now, hobbling just a little. "Oh. Uh…probably Jeannie."

Dean moves off to pick up the shovel. "Not me. I'd got for Samantha. She could _dinka-dinka-dink_ me to her bedroom anytime." He glances at his brother. "Sit down before you fall over. This'll only take a minute."

Sam doesn't want to argue, not with the monster headache he feels coming on, so he does as he is told, sitting far enough away from the gravesite that he won't be an easy target if Dean decides to get ornery. After a few minutes of his brother's panting, "She was a boring housewife."

"Who?"

"Samantha."

Dean shakes his head vigorously. "Trust me Sam, there was nothing _boring_ about that woman. She was a MILF."

"True, but she was a witch."

"So?"

"Dean, you HATE witches."

Dean stops mid-scoop and leans against the shovel. "Yeah, but she was a good witch. She didn't kill any bunnies or sacrifice babies. That changes everything."

"I guess…"

He starts up again, the sound of the dirt hitting the coffin getting lighter and lighter as more soil covers it. "So why Jeannie? Not that she wasn't cute. You just want someone with matching dimples and an even cuter pout, or is it the hot little harem outfit?"

Sam scowls. "Ha ha. You're hysterical."

"Well then enlighten me, Captain Nelson."

Sam's contemplates throwing something heavy, but there's nothing readily available within his reach. Besides, the jerk would probably just dodge it anyway. "I dunno, man… to me, Jeannie's like the ultimate fantasy. I'm surprised that show even aired with all that underlying sexuality. I mean, an unmarried man and woman, living together, a genie prancing around the house in practically a negligee, begging to be set free, hinting all over the place at bondage. Plus, he was _her master. _What guy wouldn't choose Jeannie?"

"Ooooohhh… I change my answer."

"That's what I thought."

"No, no, not to Jeannie."

"Then what?"

"Both. Marry Samantha and keep Jeannie in the bottle under my bed. That way I could have a threesome anytime I wanted."

"That's so wrong!"

"But tempting."

* * *

They leave the graveyard at just a little past midnight; Dean, of course, covered in mud and claiming the first shower. Sam concedes without fuss. He could have played the injured card, to which his brother wouldn't fight, but he's feeling generous and Dean's in such a good mood after a successful job, despite Sam's spur-the-moment flight. It's been nice to have his brother back and Sam doesn't even want to think about desperate college kids and their undead girlfriends. Now they're in the car, and Sam glances at the cemetery as it fades into the distance. He's still got that headache, but the dark and dreary tombstones give him an idea…

"One more, Dean. Lily Munster or Morticia Addams?"

Dean actually cringes. "Eeesh. Gettin' your freak on there, Sammy?"

"At least they're real women and not cartoons."

Dean cocks his head to the side in thought. "True. Okay, uh….definitely Morticia."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"Because she was the queen of kinky! There probably wasn't anything Gomez couldn't talk her into trying. Plus, she had that hour-glass figure, you know? In that slinky little black dress…"

Sam chuckles. He'd asked for it. "That's just scary, bro."

"And _man_, when that chick spoke French, she gave everybody the heebie-jeebies. Lily Munster wasn't bad, either. For a vampire... or ghoul… or whatever she was."

"Did you know that Lily and Herman were the first couple to be shown in bed together on American television?" Sam blurts out. It's completely random, and he's wincing as soon as it's out.

Dean's staring at him. "Where in the _hell_ do you store all that useless information, Sam? How'd you even know that?"

"I dunno. Just… heard it somewhere, I guess."

"Freak."

It's said without heat and Sam smiles fondly. He sits back, relaxing into a seat that he's occupied for so long that it's form-fitted to his lanky frame, and prepares for a nice quiet trip back to the hotel.

He really should know better.

"Lily Munster was probably a little too much of a MILF. Now her niece, on the other hand. What was her name? Marilyn…"

"Oh geez. You're not gonna let me sleep, are you?"

A few moments of silence pass, and just when Sam thinks Dean's finally done, he says, "Hey Sammy?"

"What?"

"Seriously, where do you find this stuff? What other random facts are floating around in that brain of yours?"

He thinks for a moment. "Uh… Wilma Flintstone was the first cartoon to ever be seen on TV as pregnant."

"Dude, you really are a freak."

_

* * *

A/N: Sorry about the threesome comment in there. I hope that didn't offend anyone. I mulled over that one but then I thought hey, it's not like we haven't seen Dean at his down-right dirtiest in the show. The twins at the beginning of Season 3? I rest my case._

_Ginger/Mary Ann – "Gilligan's Island" (1960s TV Sitcom)_

_Betty Boop – "Talkartoons" (1930s Cartoon Character) _

_Jessica Rabbit – "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" (1988 Film) _

_Wilma Flintstone/Betty Rubble – "The Flintstones" (1960-1966 Cartoon)_

_Jeannie – "I Dream of Jeannie" (1960s TV Sitcom)_

_Samantha – "Bewitched" (1964-1972 TV Sitcom)_

_Lily/Marilyn Munster – "The Munsters" (1960s TV Sitcom)_

_Morticia Adams – "The Addams Family" (1964 TV Series)_


	4. Winnie the Pooh

_A/N: I'm quite possibly dating myself with this one, but as I'm the same age as Sam, I guess I don't really mind. Snaps to those of you who actually know the show they're talking about! Spell-checked but un-beta'd so blame all mistakes on me. Oh, and if Dean and Sam belonged to me, I would love them and hug them and refuse to share them with my sister. Love you Gigi, but it wouldn't happen.. _

**

* * *

What Else Is There To Do? Part IV**

_Summary: What else is there to do on the road except...talk? No battle of wits this time – just an enebriated/hungover Sam… and Winnie the Pooh. No plot, just pure crack._

* * *

"Sam, what the hell are you doin' in here?"

"I'm gettin' a drink, Dean. Whatzit look like?"

"_Whazit_? Dude, you're toasted."

"No 'm not."

"Yes you are. Gimme that. That's enough, time to go."

"But Dean – _ouch!_ – I haven't… haven't finis'd that..."

"Yes you have. Now come on. Outside. Now."

…

"Iz cold out here."

"You wouldn't be cold if you'da grabbed your jacket before you stormed out, genius. Dad's gonna be pissed if I don't get you home."

"Dad's always pissed."

"Yeah well, he wouldn't always be pissed if you'd close your mouth and open your ears for a change. Now come on, the car's over there."

"Leggo my arm. 'M not a baby, Dean."

"No, you're a six foot sasquatch in desperate need of a haircut. _Watch it!_ Don't you dare fall because I ain't carryin' your heavy ass."

"…Dean?"

"What Sam? …Watch your head."

_Thunk! _

"Ow!"

"Crap. I told you to watch your head. What were you drinking anyway? You were only gone for, like, forty five minutes."

"Tea."

"Tea?"

"Uh huh."

"Like what kind of tea?"

"…dunno. Some kind'a Hawaiian tea or I'land tea or somethin'."

"Island tea? You mean like Long Island Ice Tea? How many did you have?"

"Dunno. Don' member."

"How many'd you have, Sam?"

"Three… or four maybe? Five?"

"Sam! Are you kidding me? There's like five shots of liquor in each!"

"I din' know that. The guy sai' they were good."

"Well, put your seat belt on, Einstein. We've gotta meet dad at Jim's tomorrow afternoon. And you're really gonna feel that in the morning."

* * *

"Mmmmmmm…"

"Sammy? You with me now?"

"Huh? Where'd I go?"

"To La-Land. With Martha Stewart."

"Ugh... Did I have fun?"

"Oh yeah. You said something about a rolling pin and some KY jelly."

"Bite me."

"That's what she said."

"Ooooooh… seriously dude, shut up. My head hurts. What happened last night?"

"Oh the usual. Dad comes home, looks at you funny, you explode."

"I didn't explode."

"And you go out and get yourself wasted. With a fake ID, I might add. I'd be proud if I hadn'ta had to carry your heavy ass home. It was worth it though."

"Oh, god, what'd I do?"

"Spilled your guts about Jennifer Lynell, which, by the way, I _knew _your ass was lyin'! And you barfed all over dad's…"

"Awww _crap_."

"Yeah, crap. And you owe me big time for cleaning up that one. You also told me that Winnie the Pooh was evil."

"Well he is."

"You were serious?"

"Oh yeah. Winnie the Pooh scares me."

"This coming from a kid who chases monsters for a living."

"Hmph. What living? And yeah, Winnie the Pooh's evil! Nobody should let their kids watch it."

"Scared you when you were little, too."

"Huh?"

"Yeah. Not this cartoon crap they got out now. The old episodes – the ones that had guys running around in big, dorky costumes. Pooh Corner, Hookie-Pooh time…"

"Oh yeah. I 'member that. Somethin' bout a magical flying wagon."

"Dude, you hated that wagon. Even back then you were a _little_, geeky nerd. Told me straight up that there was no such thing as flying wagons. And Santa Claus couldn't possibly fly all around the world in one night because there was no such thing as a flying sleigh."

"You know, me and Troy Pennington, we 'rote a paper on _wazwrongwith __WinniethePooh_."

"Come again?"

"_Wazwrongwith_ _WinniethePooh_."

"You ain't makin' any sense, dude."

"What's. Wrong. With. Winnie. The. Pooh."

"Oh… you wrote an entire paper on Winnie the Pooh?"

"Yeah. 'Fer fun."

"You wrote a paper for fun?"

"I jus' said that."

"Man, you give geek a bad name."

"Troy helped."

"And what do you mean, what's wrong with Winnie the Pooh? Kids love Winnie the Pooh. He teaches kids… stuff…"

"Just that there's something wrong with every single character on that show. It's bad for kids."

"Okay. Explain."

"All right. We'll start off with Pooh. He smoked marijuana."

"Say what?"

"You watched the show, man. That bear was buzzed _all_ the time. Didn't you ever hear him talk? He was always so laid back and so slow to catch on to everything. That and he always had the munchies. He was constantly eating honey or doing whatever he could to get it."

"Okay genius, what about Tigger?"

"Tigger had ADHD."

"…"

"No, seriously, hear me out. Tigger was all over the freaking place. He was a hyperactive bouncer, he was impulsive, he acted before thinking about the consequences. He was restless, couldn't sit still…"

"…he _was_ always jumping around."

"Exactly. He was easily distracted, had difficulty listening… all the key symptoms of ADHD."

"How 'bout Kanga? You couldn't possibly find anything wrong with Kanga."

"Kanga was a single mom. Did you ever see a dad? Which meant she had Roo outta wedlock."

"I don't believe this."

"I got more."

"What about Eeyore? Eeyore never hurt anybody."

"Eeyore suffered from depression. He was always depressed, always talking about how terrible his life was - so depressed he never even wanted to come out of his house, which by the way, was made of nothing but sticks because he was too lazy to build anything else. Most people who have real clinical depression also have difficulty remembering things – Eeyore would always forget where his tail was."

"Piglet then."

"Piglet was on Speed."

"What _were_ you and Troy smoking when you came up with this!"

"Piglet was always so jittery and jumpy, always stuttering, like his heart was going a mile a minute. That was the Speed."

"Seriously, dude. Speed?"

"Speed's a stimulant, but it can also make you feel anxious or nervous or paranoid - all of which Piglet was known for. Not to mention that long term use of the stuff can destroy your nerves, and Piglet didn't have a nerve in his body so he'd probably been using it for a long time."

"Okay… Rabbit?"

"Totally OCD. Classic Obsessive compulsive disorder. You ever see his garden? Or how mad he'd get at Tigger for messing something up?"

"I'll give you that. What about Christopher Robin then? He was a nice kid."

"Dean, he talked to his stuffed animals. That kid had issues."


End file.
